Lyrics

The Battle of the Local TJs

T’were nigh the early part of spring when first I heard the chaos ring
The mighty toll of self-distancing
“Stay at Home!” and “Don’t Ya Leave!” were the alarmin’ cry from my TV
Unless ya must fer some E-mergency

Seems some killers were on a loose and they as lethal as the noose
Would choke a feller dead sight unseen
Invaders evil as a plague, all movin’ silent as the grave
They was widely knowed… as the Co-vid 19

Well I tried my darndest to prepare, now that I’d become aware
Of the scourge that were a roamin’ through my town
Alas my cupboard, it were bare, as too were my old Frigidaire
And toilet paper scar-ced to be found
The choice for mine were crystal clear, betwix the hunger or a-fear
T’were my empty stomach a bein’ the decider
Not just the tummy but so too my rump, mostly preferrin’ that after a dump
To be cleansed by some soft tissue fiber

May-kin’ ready I pre-pared my armor to venture forth, do battle and conquer
The dangers that lay outside my dwellin’s door
Gloved and sheathed I‘s dressed to the nines, complete with my trusty N-95
Like any proud soldier, I’s ready for war
So I mounted my steed and made my ways down to the site of my local TJ’s
Where grocery a shoppin’ is oft a particular pleasure
However the pleasure not be this time as a desperate crowd had formed a line
Of dozens of shoppers all seekin’ their personal treasure

Calm but confused we stood there a waitin’, simmerin’ in our collective frustration
In a cue that snaked across the parkin’ lot
Slow and steady we inched our way forward as a mask-ed clerk shouted her orders
“Six feet! Six feet apart or enter you’ll NOT!”

The inchin’ forward took maybe an hour, might’ve been more, too angry to count ‘er
Till I made it all the way to the front of the shop
Another masked clerk then gave me a cart, wiped ‘er clean, an’ lookin’ smart
And with a hidden smile said “Go get your lot.”

Immediately and without hesitation I galloped and charged with supreme elation
My battle cry I voiced both loud and fierce
“Six feet away or else I’ll cane ya! Six feet away or I shall brain ya!
Six feet away! No closer come ye near!”

So the battle of our local TJ’s were on, seizin’ fare before it be gone
T’were a race for all a man does holdeth dear
Peanut butter, bread, canned chili ‘n cheese, bacon ‘n eggs and frozen green peas
And paper tissue for my delicate derriere

And by some miracle I done spied ‘em, as if a feller had tried to hide ‘em
A package dressed in circus revelry
“The perfect roll! So inspiring! Amazingly soft, yet strong!” t’was scribed on thee
T’were my valued treasure - Soft TJ’s TP

I were so lost in all my glee I fully failured to a see
The culprit that was sneakin’ up from my breech
And as I started to finally capture the prize that filled me with such rapture
An old bitty snatched it right out from my reach

Shocked, surprised and quite alarm-ed, I yelled “Hey you, stop squeezin’ my Charmin!
And lunged for my precious soft paper tissue
The bitty spun a full one-eighty, as she were spry for a frail old lady
And cried “Sue me iffin’ ya think you have issue!”

The hunt and chase now it were on as maps and battle lines been drawn
Me and the old bitty did a tangle
Up and down the grocery aisles and though a usin’ all of my guile
No prized bath tissue paper could I a wrangle

Now you must try to understand the conflict that were here at hand
Would be arduous under normal circumstances
But this one in particular, traversing in the orbicular
Made near impossible due to our social distant stances

Fury grew inside of me, some hateful germ I could not flee
A force a nature wilt not be restrained
I swore I’d free my precious prize from this evil witch in bitty guise
To rescue or to die, God’s will ordained!

I saw my opportunity, so usin’ my acuity
I lunged and knocked the paper from her clasp
The TP package hit the floor and slid a toward the slidin’ door
I dove to reach and fell just short its grasp

The other shoppers stood and stared like packs of wolves with steel-eyed glares
Around a helpless prey just waitin’ to be devoured
They licked their lips and salivated, still as stone as if they waited
For someone to move first upon the flower

Then in an instant the clash was on, a tiny a spark had lit a storm
And a thunderous crash of greed and lust collided
I was helpless as newborn babe, couldn’t move nor could I save
My blessed treasure from a fate done be decided

Mad shoppers ripped into the skin, shreddin’ the contents held within
And rolls of paper shot in all directions
Bodies fell and bodies flailed, slippery rolls that flew and sailed
As rabid shopper stumbles cause each ejection

The battle of the local TJs raged as instincts ruled like beasts un-caged
Civil-ity and order none but prayer
I watched in horror stained emotion, as through a lens in slow-ed motion
My world descend into a hellish nightmare

The madness of the mob herein, forgetting life and lung and limb
Our protective suits of armor began to fall
Sterile masks were knocked and torn from faces they had once adorned
Exposin’ all to Covid’s cunning call

And when I qualmed there’d be no end, I harked a noise from horde within
So frightenin’ a sound it brought the melee to a pause
For in this world of modern life with great machines of war and strife
There’s nuthin’ that fears a man more than a cough

The mass of stained humanity a’feared of sure calamity
Scattered like a flock of sheep in peril
Past the clerks and out the door, abandoning all they came there for
Escapin’ from their confines now unsterile

And there I sat, now all alone, ‘cept for the clerks who’d held their own
Asham-ed and forlorn the chaos spawned
I roused myself up off the floor and traversed slow towards said door
Reflectin’ on all my sins and sinners wronged

Empty handed, face unmasked, abated from my cause and task
Resign-ed to my fate, no tissue roll
I crossed the threshold to the light with vanquished dreams all drained of fight
No quarter for my shame-ed guilty soul

And in my darkest moment felt, a voice to cause my heart to melt
An angel bathed in love and tender pity
Unmasked and smilin’ full of light, a radiance so clear and bright
With great surprise I recognized the Elder Bitty

At once I fell onto my knees in deep remorse and asking “Please
forgive my soul, forgive my loathsome deeds!”
She reached to me with outstretch arms, ignorin’ social distant norms
And handed me the answer to my needs

“In hopes that you’ll forgive me too, this gift I share, I give to you”
And handed me a scented roll divine
Fortune bathed in sweet caress, relievin’ me of my distress
A treasured roll of TP now were mine

This simple act of charity, in spite of my barbarity
Filled my woeful spirit high renewed
I thanked Miss Bitty for the prize and gazed upon with brand new eyes
Her loveliness of being warm and true

I wandered home without regret and there I vowed not to neglect
These feelings new revealed within in my soul
I placed the prize upon a shelf and guarded it with life itself
Each perforated sheet worth more than gold

Now each time I sit upon the throne and gaze upon my prize alone
A sacred alter to my Bitty Fair
I pray one day that we will see an end to all this misery
And walkin’ ‘round in dirty underwear

So ends this tale of strife and woe, of battles fought and lost and though
The war continues, please heed my cry with grace
Six feet ye keep away from thee, six feet or else you’ll possibly be
Six feet… underground… in your final restin’ place

© 2020 Timothy L Boggs - All Rights Reserved